So, I’m moving this week. I’m excited! I’m nervous. I’m all mixed up about it because everything is changing in a big way and I’m not sure if I’m ready. I feel like I’m being pulled in two opposite directions. There are things/people/places here that I’m not ready to give up and there are others I am grateful to escape. There is so much promise in a fresh start, but there is also the fear that things won’t work out the way I’ve hoped and planned. Part of me wants to give up on everything old, to clean the slate completely, because there is so much sadness and heartbreak left for me in this place. The other part of me doesn’t want to let it go.
It’s just that I’m starting this new life and it’s become apparent that I’m not sure what I want out of it yet. Social media makes it hard not to notice what everyone else my age is doing. I’ve seen everything on my instagram feed this week from a girl I know traveling around Cambodia and Vietnam to another girl my age holding her 8 months pregnant belly with her ring adorned hand. I try not to compare myself to other people, but I do a pretty horrible job of it. It’s just that I don’t know where I fall between these two extremes. I don’t know if I’m at a place in my life where I could pack up and leave everything to travel around the world in hopes of finding myself and I certainly don’t think I’m ready for a family or a commitment as significant as a husband and a baby. A dog is already a lot to handle.
Being in the middle feels a little mundane when everyone’s talking about bucket lists and living your life to the fullest and ceasing the day. But honestly, bucket lists just make me anxious. Like who wants this list of things looming over their head yelling, “Hurry up! Gotta jump out of a plane and walk the great wall of china before you die!” I don’t need that kind of pressure! It’s hard enough for me to check things off the list of errands I need to run this week. I just don’t think doing crazy exciting things is necessarily how I’m going to “find myself”. I don’t have anything against travelling (or babies for that matter). I’m just not ready to put either of those things on any kind of list.
But where does that leave me? I like to think that there is some kind of beauty in just letting life take you away. Of course, you have to work hard to get the things you want, but what if you work hard and get something you never thought you wanted. What if you spend years trying to nurture a relationship only to have it fall apart. What if you follow a dream and it turns out that it’s nothing like you imagined. Oh well, that’s life. I’m riding on things working out and they will work out in one way or another, but there is no way of predicting exactly how.
So, perhaps the goal is to embrace the ride, to be fervently committed but never too attached. Things fall apart, but they also fall together. My life is like this ongoing coming of age story, very cliche, very real. Anyways, a bunch of bananas got a little too ripe so I made some banana bread because why not! Also, summer is cool when you get to eat cupcakes and drink beer and lattes with your friends.
BANANA BREAD RECIPES: