Double Chocolate Chip Cookies

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“These are the kind of dreams that show you you’re not doing so well, that you haven’t accepted what you thought you’d accepted, that you’re a mess, lying there like you’ve been hit by a bus, your heart and mind standing over you tutting and trying to figure out what even happened, never mind fixing it.” -Helen Oyeyemi

It seems like every time I brag that I’m doing great, the next second I find myself crumpled up and hopeless like a piece of paper tossed away. I listed off, to my mom on the phone a couple weeks back, all the ways I’ve grown and matured in the past four years. I am more grounded than I was. Taking care of Honey has shown me that I’m capable of being responsible for another being and how much I love animals and being in nature. And honestly I like having a reason to be home. I have let go of the ties that were pulling me back to places I am done with and I have found a group of people that I love in the place I am now. But less than 24 hours after telling her all these things, I found myself crying like a five year old. I don’t remember what about anymore, most likely a combination of the stress of school and the uncertainty of what comes after. The point is, even when we grow, we falter. And it seems more and more that maturity is less about avoiding the inevitable meltdowns and more about getting through them in a way that makes us better, more aware of ourselves, more humbled by our existence.

Even the meltdowns come with revelations, little reminders that being alive is scary and that’s okay. They show us what we really care about achieving and who we want to share this time in our lives with. And it’s okay to stutter or misstep. It’s part of the process of knowing yourself and carving out your own little path that feels right. All that being said, it’s Spring now and for the most part I’m really very happy. I can tell I will feel nostalgic for this time in my life. It’s like I feel this longing for my current moment. It’s not a bad place to be. I’m present and happy to be here. Admittedly, I am worried about the big changes that are coming. But I’m making strides towards some exciting steps (pastry school!!). And yes there will be time for idling, time for little mess ups and miscommunications and tears, but it’s all part of the process.

“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in an another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells constellations.” -Anais Nin

(A quote taken from my favorite Happyolks)

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Processed with VSCOcam with f2 preset

Recipe from another favorite Joy the Baker:

– 1/2 cup unsalted butter

– 1 cup granulated sugar

– 1 large egg

– 1 tsp vanilla extract

– 1 1/2 cups all purpose flour

– 1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

– 1/2 tsp baking powder

– 1/2 tsp baking soda

– 1/2 tsp salt

– 6 oz chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Cream together room temperature (or slightly softened) butter and sugar. Stir in egg and vanilla. Add dry ingredients and stir together until just combined. Add chocolate chips. Final stir! Roll up heaping tablespoons of dough and place on parchment lined baking sheet a couple inches apart. Bake 11-12 mins. Do not over bake! Enjoy

7 thoughts on “Double Chocolate Chip Cookies

  1. Interesting blog. Your Dad feels somewhat the same when thinking about the prospect of retiring sometime. I think I need a double chocolate chip cookie 🙂

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